Sunday, August 23, 2009
Stop acting as if you know everything. You're being two-face in front of everyone's eye. Stop acting as if you know everything. Stop being so proud of yourself. So what if you're rich and you can get whatever you want. So what if you're handsome/pretty and they are ugly? So what if others are fat/skinny? So what if you're clever and they're damn stupid? You think it's right for you to criticize them? You think you're a big shot? Well then, big fat 'F' word in your face. There's a lot of different people in this globe. Not all of them are perfect. Not even me, not even you and not even everyone. Appreciate what you got in this world. Have a heart on other people around you. Care for their feelings. They got feeling, everyone have feeling. Even an animal have it. Trade shoe's with them, feel how they feel deep inside. Feel it, are they happy? Or are they sad? Think about it. Lock yourself up in a room and do some soul searching. By the way, mine is size 7, let's see if you can fit your feet in.
Here i got something to share. I took a lot of courage to share it here. It's not a show off or whatever you think it is. What you going to read is nothing to be proud of. Nothing to feel good about it. And not a somebody. Instead i feel ashamed about it. This thinking keep coming at night when i want to sleep. I'm kinda worried about it. All of my past things that i've been through. Yes, i admit, i'm not a good guy, the opposite of it. I've done thing that against law. I've been caught several times. I've been sentence to probation on March, 1 year 3 month for not paying a fine. Yes, i'm happy at least i'm outside. I've done great. Great for only like 1 and the half month. After that, i was caught again. For stealing and snatch theft. I'm caught at home right in front of my family. In my mother eye's, i can see that she wanted to cry. I'm ashamed for face her with a handcuff on myself. I was brought to station. They note down my statement and i'm of. Of to court, the place which i hate the most. Face a angry judge. i was send to remand for a month to wait for my next court date. Yes, i was a second timer there. I'm use to it. Doing everything the same in remand. Morning call, brush teeth, breakfast, PT (Physical Training), watch television or play games like carom, dumb or read books. Noon call, lunch, watch television, play games or read books. Evening call, bathe, dinner, watch television, play games or read books and then lights off at 9 p.m. You see, we did that everyday. Everything turn out to be fun when we're in there and make a lot of friends. Time pass, my court date have reached. I was scolded by judge. Yes i deserve it and i was sentence 1 year in SBHL (Singapore boy's hostel) and serve my 3 months of probation. When i got there, i ask my mum not to worry much, i'll be fine. She just scared that i can't live in there. I saw different kind of people. They were just like me, serving their sentence in there. Yes, i've made friends in there. The good and the bad. My first night, i just can't sleep and i did teared for i miss home and i miss my mum the most. Well what can i do, i can't runaway like that, i want it to end quickly. It's not that easy people. There, we did a lot of things. Bathe in the morning, master check, had breakfast, some going to school, read books, wait for noon call, master check, lunch. play games or read book, PT or games like soccer, basketball or takraw, bathe then dinner. Night call, master check, watch television and lights off at 9p.m. Some of them did go school and some did not for they're suspended as for me, i was staying there for 6 month without going to school for my school didn't want me back due to my tattoos and records. I do go home on weekend and have to be back SBHL by 7p.m on Sunday. Sometime, i don't get to go home at all due to statement. After December 2006 early January 2007 then i got to school. I retain my secondary 4, wasted. Here is how i go to school. I woke up at 4.30a.m, bathe and all then take my breakfast then at 5.45a.m i leave for school. I got a traveling time which is 1 hour 30 minute. In school, i was suppose to bring this jotter book every single day. D.M (Discipline Master) asked me to bring it and end of every lesson, from 8a.m till 2p.m, form teacher have to put a remarks and sign and at the end of the day D.M have to see it. I have to do it for 2 month. I was doing great in school. That's just for a while. Back in hostel, i was charge with things, statement and stuff. I was put in C.S (Segregation Cell) the most 1 week for punishment. In C.S, there is where i bathe, eat and sleep. I've been there for the 3rd time. First, attention of racial riot, second mastermind for urinating on people's bed and third bully. To you, this case are just small, back in hostel, it's a huge case that can make you fly to SBH (Singapore Boy's Home) for 2 year's. After the second case, they've been aiming me. And the third, i know something is not right. I knew they going to breech me. Clerk, stuff and hostel boy's have been talking about it. When i got down from C.S, i can't go home and they suspend me not to attend school. I have to stay there. Weekend, there no chance for me to go home. But there's a 30 minute parent visit. I ask stuff i wanted to call mum, stuff allowed me but i can't use long. I sadly told her everything what i did. She cried on the phone saying she will visit me and lastly she said, if you don't think about discharge, it's alright, but think of your own mum. And then i put down the phone and my tears slowly drop. I wipe it for i don't want anybody to see. The next day, mum visit me, she ask random things like what i eat, how am i doing and stuff. After we done talking, she going home, i send her near the gate, she turn and asked me to take care of my own self and then she give me a hug saying the same thing what she said on the phone. She said think of your mum. There, i can feel that i've really made her sad. I felt really sad and there my tears dropped. I was sobbing and the stuff give me a hug and ask me to chill. After a week or two, i was getting ready for my court day. I was breech and have to go back to court. Mum fetch me early in the morning and it's a heavy rain. I pity her. I said goodbye to the boy's and stuff. I knew i wouldn't be coming back there. Back to when i've reach the court, my mind is spinning around and i'm scared. What if i got to SBH for 2 years? And then, i thought of running away from court. I did tell mum about it and she answered me by saying, until when i'm going to run and hide? You won't know what your sentence, what if it's just a short sentence? After hearing that, i changed my mind. The judge had call for me. Before going in, the officer asked me to take out my watch and all and for that, i know i'll be in the lock up cell. I was scolded by judge again and my thought was right, lock up cell. From there, i was brought to remand for the third time. For that, i won't story much, it's the same thing, only that some of the remandees was shocked that i was a third timer. Day pass and my sentence day came. I was back to court again and was sentence to short term 1 month 2 week in SBH and my probation was extended. From 3 month to 9 month. I thank god for that. In SBH, It's a little different from SBHL. It's tougher then i thought. I endure it. The 2 week 1 time parent visit, PT, stuff and all the boys. Some were my friends and i live with it. After 1 month 2 week, my discharge day came. I shake the hand of the stuff and my social worker. My social worker is scared for me. He don't know whether i can make it outside with my tattoos all over. Deep inside me, yes a little sad about it, because he don't trust me and i'll prove it that i can. I was free from cage and i continue my school and my probation. And now, i've ended my probation a years back April 2008.
This thought come and go in my head a lot of time at night before i'm going to sleep. I feel scared about it. Sometimes, yes, i do feel like crying. To think back that, i've been wasting my time. Mixing with the wrong company. Doing things that break the law. I've hurt my family a lot, especially my mum. When i do all that, i didn't even think of her. When i was in there, i've been thinking how is she now. Is she fine? Parent visit, she didn't even forget to visit me and cook my favorite dish. Never fail to ask me how am i. It's pain to see her cry. Seriously, it's really painful to see your love ones shed a tear for you. It really breaks your heart. Until now, sometimes i know she get worried about me for going out and scared i repeat it again. I'm sorry for that. I know i have not been good the last time, but this time, i really did learn from my lesson. I get scared easily now. Scared that i'll be back in there again. I wouldn't want to get back to my own self again. I wouldn't want to do it anymore. I've washed my hands, totally. I'm not proud of it. It's a stupid and shameful thing. I really hope i can go on smoothly down the road with a guide from my love ones, family and friend around me. They gave me advice and all, asking me to change my life, knocking sense in my head and all. Without them, i won't be like who i am here right now. Everyone can change. It's the matter of time and your own self. And to mum, i'm sorry for everything for my past, i want to forget it, but i can't. It come and go just like that at night. I won't do it anymore. I won't repeat my mistakes. I know, action speaks louder than word. I'm going to show you. This i promise you mum. I love you. =(
Labels: To those heartless people. Repent, we end this now.
